2 vaguely disgusting stories

1- I like to wear my respirator. It's like a womb for my face, and it protects me from flying shards of wood. So, while wearing my respirator the other day, I had a little bit of a cold. Now my res. pulls air in through two filters and expels it from a central port below my mouth. I was sanding floors and occasionally would see little spots of water on the floor (can I call that spotting?) Which, I realized, came from the condensed water in my mouth piece being blown out from my breath. No big deal. Until I took off my res. and realized that it wasn't water I was expelling, it was the snot running out of my nose. That I was occasionally spitting out of my mask. Gross.

2- Before sanding my floor I had to remove all the sundry crap from the room. Books, condom wrappers (roommates- clean this shit up when you leave,) receipts and carpet. No big deal. Picked up all the various junk; moved on to the carpet. When I started rolling it up I accidentally scraped my hand across the floor and promptly got a 1/4" splinter jammed up under my fingernail. After a couple minutes of terrifying the birds by shouting the foulest stuff I could come up with, I made up my mind. I could: a- leave it in there and maybe get a sweet infection, or b- slice open my nail and get it out. Infections are no fun, so I grabbed a razorblade and started some minor surgery. I cut two parallel lines through the nail, then across, and pulled the entire section of nail out. Then I had to use a safety pin and drag the wood out. Awesome.